


Radical Honesty

by Not2be



Category: Insatiable (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:36:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15749049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not2be/pseuds/Not2be
Summary: A few warnings: there is discussion of disordered eating and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a central topic in this story. Also, slight mention of self-harm and abusive parenting, both are non-graphic and nonviolent.  I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A few warnings: there is discussion of disordered eating and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a central topic in this story. Also, slight mention of self-harm and abusive parenting, both are non-graphic and nonviolent. I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading!

“Hey, babe, I was gonna go get some lunch, wanna come with?” Bob Banging Body Barnard walked into his office with his classic cheeky smile. Bob’s heart still did that thing where it fluttered in his chest every time he saw Barnard.

“Oh, actually” He bit his lip nervously “I have a lot of work to do.”

“Okay, well how about I pick something up for you and bring it back.”

“I’m not actually that hungry, thanks though.”

“But you didn’t even eat breakfast.”

“I had a protein bar stashed in my office.” He felt guilty for lying but he wanted this conversation to be over now. “You go ahead I’ll meet up with you after work.” Bob smiled shyly.

“Well…okay then.”

Bob couldn’t stop thinking the rest of the afternoon about how disappointed he looked. The butterfly’s turned to a skinning feeling in his stomach he tried to ignore.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

They had taken the same car that day which probably wasn’t the most professional, but there was no putting that particular genie back in the bottle. Barnard was driving, and Bob was looking out the window a headache forming behind his eyes.

“You alright Bob, you seem distracted.”

“What? Oh yeah, I’m fine” His phone chimed, and he sighed tiredly.

“Bad news?”

“No, its just pastor Mike, apparently I left some paper work in his office. I need to pick it up. When we get home, I’ll take my car.”

“Why don’t we just swing by there now”

“You don’t mind?” Bob asked surprised.

“Not at all.”

“You really are the best, you know that?” Barnard winked at him in reply.

After Bob had collected his things and a sufficient amount of polite small talk, Bob was more than ready to leave. The whole thing reminded him of Patty and it hurt too much.

“Wait, Bob.” Pastor Mike called as they were walking out of his office. Both men turned around.

“You” Mike clarified pointing to Bob Armstrong. Bob looked over at his partner and back to the pastor and pointed to himself incredulously. When he realized it was in fact him Mike was referring to he slowly walked forward.

Mike considered him for a moment, while said man squirmed uncomfortably under his stare. Nothing good could come of this. Before he could stop him, Mike had his hands on Bob’s shoulders. _Not this cook coo banana pants spiritual gimmick again._

“Oh, Bob.” The pastor sighed sadly.

“Uh, what?” Bob asked full of apprehension.

“God forgives you, now you need too to.”

“Um…okay…” His eyes darted between Mike and Barnard nervously.

The pastor closed his eyes again hands still on Bob’s shoulders as if reading him further.

“Okay, I think that’s enough, thank you.” Bob shuffled out of his hold.

“Remember, Bob, your body is a temple, a place for God. You need to protect it and care for it-”

“Alright, temple. Got it. Will do! Bye bye now!” He left as quickly as he could.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The drive home was quite. When they got inside the house and Barnard put his keys on the kitchen counter, he asked

“What…did pastor Mike, mean by all of that back there?” Bob picked up the keys and went to hang them up on the key rack, Barnard couldn’t help but smile at this.

“Oh, you know how some of those religious nutters can be, its all nonsense” He waved his hands in a nervous dismissive gesture. Barnard seemed unconvinced but let it drop for the time being.

“Well, I don’t know about you but I’m tired and starving” He came up behind Bob and wrapped his arms around Bob’s shoulders clad in a soft purple sweater. Bob felt like he could melt into his embrace if he stayed a moment longer, before a feeling of unease and self-consciousness overtook him.

“Actually, I was gonna go for a run.” Barnard stilled behind Bob and turned the other man around to face him.

“But it’s 9 o’clock. Don’t you think that’s kind of late?”

“We’re not that old yet, its not _that_ late” Bob tried to joke.

“Listen, Bob, I don’t mean to sound needy or suspicious here but…are you trying to avoid me?”

“What?” Bob said genuinely shocked. _Oh no oh no,_ this is not what he wanted. He didn’t want to hurt Barnard.

“Honey,” Bob rubbed his arms comfortingly. “This has nothing to do with you, I promise.”

“You can see how this looks, Bob.  Avoiding me during lunch, lights off during sex, mysterious night jogs.”

“I’m just…stressed. Over everything. And I know I’m supposed to be moving forward, I am. I will. Right now, I just need to burn off some nervous energy.” Bob held his breath as Barnard looked at him steadily for a moment.

“You’re right. I should be more patient with you. And more importantly I should trust you, I’m sorry.”

Bob swallowed thickly, sometimes he really _really_ hated himself. The guilt tasted sour in his mouth. Here Barnard was being so sweet and apologizing when it was all Bob’s fault. He knew feeling guilty didn’t change anything when he continued to lie anyway, it just made him worse.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He kissed Barnard on the cheek and left to go change. Barnard couldn’t help but still worry.


	2. Chapter 2

Life continued on in this manner. And although they both seemed to be adjusting better to their new lives, and Bob seemed to be moving forward, Barnard couldn’t help the worry that was still nagging at him.

Bob stood in front of the mirror. He hated it, but he couldn’t look away. He lost time when he would do this. He remembered his mother would do the same thing, point out and prod at every little flaw she saw, she would look so sad and frustrated. As a little boy all Bob wanted to do was make her smile and feel good about herself for once.

Now he looked at his own sorry reflection. His father was right; he was a disappointment. He broke up two families, he let down Coralee and Brick and Patty, he had ruined his reputation and practically his career. And now he was going to let down Barnard, the man he loved, the man that made him feel safe.

He deserved this pain, even though it didn’t make a bit of difference. Knowing this just made him feel worse. Guilt over guilt. He didn’t deserve to eat. He was a fat, balding, disgusting-

Barnard came up behind him startling him out of his reverie.

“Jesus, Bob, you scared me!”

“Maybe if you weren’t so jumpy.” Barnard teased good naturedly.

He kissed Bob’s neck, eliciting a loud moan in response. Bob turned bright red as if suddenly becoming aware of himself. Barnard just smiled.

“Bob Armstrong, I’m on to you”

“Wh- what?”

“You’re criminally adorable.” Bob blushed and went back to fixing his tie.

“You’re certainly one to speak.” Barnard practically glowed when he smiled at him, and it made Bob's whole body feel warm.

“What were you thinking about so hard?” He asked still peppering Bob with kisses.

“hm?”

“Just now, in the mirror.”

“Oh. Just…if this tie goes with this shirt.”

“Why don’t you finish getting dressed and I’ll make us some breakfast before we go to work.”

“That’s sweet but…I gotta get going now, I have an early meeting. And I can’t exactly afford to lose a client.” Bob smiled ruefully.

“Okay…well, take something to go.”

“I will.” He gave his best effort at a smile.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Alright I’m off.” Bob said on his way to go run.

“Wait, one second” His boyfriend grabbed his wrist and gently pulled him over to the stool he was sitting at, going over work stuff. Barnard kissed his knuckles gently.

“You know you can tell me anything right?” Bob’s breath caught in his chest, the way it did whenever anyone got too close to figuring out his secrets, too seeing him too closely.

 _No, I’m sorry._ “Of course.”

Barnard waited a moment longer before letting him go “Alright.”

In his effort to be good enough for Barnard he might just loose him. He walked around the corner and dug his nails into his palms the way he used to do at the dinner table when he was a child. He took a few calming breaths and took off out the door and into the sticky night air.

He felt guilt about lying and leaving him, but Barnard wouldn’t get it. Bob Barnard was beautiful and successful, he knew who he was and was okay with it. He was hot bob while Bob Armstrong was just…other Bob. Maybe if he got this one area of his life under control he’d feel better. But that sentiment felt hallow even to his own ears; Bob knew that's not how it worked. He didn’t know what else to do though. He wanted to handle this on his own.

He just had to push through it. Just a little bit further. A little faster, harder. Then he felt the world tip and the sidewalk slip out from under him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Thank you so much for reading and liking!  
> Just a heads up, the warnings I posted at the beginning of this story apply to this chapter.

One minute he was upright and the next thing he knew he was on his side. For a tense moment his vision swam, and he thought he might pass out. He breathed a sigh of relief when it seemed too pass. Now he just had to make it home. He thought for a second about calling Barnard but quickly dismissed the idea.  He would just have to get up slowly, he breathed in sharply as pain shot up his side. From what he could tell no serious damage was done, just probably some superficial scrapes and bruises.  Part of him wanted to finish his run, but he couldn’t risk it. Bob even surprised himself when the thought of continuing went through his head. _What’s wrong with me? Nothing, don't think about it, just get home._

He realized on his slow return he was shaking despite the temperature being warm. When he finally got back he tried to sneak in as quietly as possible. Except the kitchen light was still on. _Shit._

“Hey, I was worried about you.” Barnard looked up from his cold cup of chamomile tea. He had started keeping more tea in the house since Bob moved in.

“Sorry-” He started to sway on his feet and Barnard jumped out of his chair.

“Hey, hey, steady there.”

“I’m fine.”

“Bob.”

“I said I’m fine!” He tried to push away from Barnard, but his vision swam again and felt unsteady.

“Easy, easy, I got you. Here sit down.” He led the stubborn man to a chair.

“Now. No more evading we need to talk.” Bob let out a shaky sigh.

“I’m sorry, I snapped at you but really I’m f-”

“Don’t you say you’re fine again.” Barnard looked into his eyes imploringly

“I’ve been worried sick about you, you should see yourself, you’re about as steady as new born deer and white as a sheet.” Bob tried looking away, but Barnard gently placed his hand on his cheek, making him look back.

“This only works if we’re honest with one another, completely. _Please._ ”

 He felt on the verge of tears as a surge of shame, anxiety and remorse filled him.

He wanted to open up with the man he loved but “I’m afraid, Bob.” He confessed quietly.

“That’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, but you gotta talk to me first.” Barnard smiled tearfully at him.

“Okay… maybe…I’m not exactly…fine.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

They both moved over to the couch, Barnard had tried to remain as calm as possible. Bob took a deep breath trying to steady himself; he had never talked about this stuff out loud with someone before. The anxiety was building in his chest, he thought he’d never be able to start, to physically get himself to say the words until Barnard squeezed his hand reassuringly.

If he wanted true intimacy, this was the price.

“I…don’t really know how to start” he finally said with nervous laughter.

“Just…start from the beginning.” Bob nodded resolutely.

“…In high school whenever I was upset, I would binge to just stop feeling for awhile but then…I’d feel so guilty I’d…purge.” He could feel his face heat up with shame and was surprised to see a similarly distraught expression on Barnard.

“Oh Bob, I should have-”

“No, there’ll be none of that. You can’t go blaming yourself for things you did in _high school._ Besides you were dealing with your own stuff.” Bob steeled himself to continue.

“My, my dentist was the first to notice actually. It turns out repeatedly throwing up isn’t great for your teeth.” Bob smiled self-deprecatingly, but Barnard just continued to look at him with open support and compassion.

“Then what happened?”

“Well” He sighed “He told my parents. My father was furious.” Bob laughed humorlessly.

“He said it was a disgusting lack of discipline and self-control and that-” He had to stop to swallow around the lump in his throat “and that no son of his was going to have a problem only _girls_ had.”

Barnard felt his heart ache. He whished things could have been different between them, that they could have stayed friends sooner, maybe even been more.

“He wanted to send me to military school, but my mom convinced him to let me stay. Instead his solution was to have me run miles every day after school. If I didn’t finish a certain amount in a certain time I wasn’t allowed back in the house.”

“Jesus, Bob.”

“You’ve seen me run, you can imagine at first I had to spend quite a few nights outside. It does sound sort of absurd looking back on it now” He laughed, but Barnard didn’t find any of this funny.

“Why didn’t your mom tell him to stop?”

“It wasn’t her fault.” Bob appreciated his anger on his behalf but felt it was misplaced. “She was trying to keep her marriage together, and she had…her own struggles with weight, I think she thought it would help me.”  Barnard huffed unconvinced but didn’t comment further wanting Bob to finish his story.

“Anyway, it did work sort of. As I was starting college I wasn’t fat anymore. I had gotten what I wanted but I didn’t feel…better. I was so afraid of going back to how I was I…” Barnard rubbed Bob’s arm encouragingly.

“Most of the time I didn’t eat anything or very little. What I did eat I’d try to work off. Then a couple times in law school when I was super stressed I went back to my old cycle, binging and purging. I was so afraid of being caught and desperate to stop that I tried a more…well…I’m sure you’ve noticed the scars.” He looked down feeling his stomach churn. He felt so raw and exposed, but there was no going back now.

“Instead when I was stressed I’d just…hurt myself. Then I met Coralee” Bob smiled sadly.

“It was hard to hide things from her so slowly but surely I went back to eating somewhat normal. Sure, once in awhile I’d go on a crazy crash diet, but she just chocked my yo-yoing weight up to one of my quirks.”

“And the-” Barnard gestured vaguely at Bob, but he knew what Barnard meant.

“The scars? She never asked.”

“Jesus, and neither did I.” he scrubbed a hand over his face exasperated with himself.

“Oh, I don’t blame either of you for that, I was relieved to be honest. It all so embarrassing and-”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you hear me.” Barnard reassured holding Bob’s face in his hands and making him meet his eyes.

 “You must think I’m so vain, and ridiculous, and weak. I’m a loser.” Bob looked down feeling shame unfurled in his chest again.

“No. Never. I think, you were in pain and you did what you had to do to cope. Even if it wasn’t the …healthiest. I’d never judge you for surviving. You’re beautiful Bob, inside and out.”

Bob couldn’t stop the tears that were streaming silently down his face.

“You could have anyone you want, I’m afraid I’m not good enough for you.” He confessed in a moment of true vulnerability.

“Bob, we all feel insecure sometimes but don’t you ever for one second believe you’re not good enough. _All_ I want is you.”

Bob felt so overwhelmed with emotion, he felt raw and exposed, and a bit frightened. But also, safer and more loved than he remembered feeling in a long time. He leaned forward allowing Barnard to hold him.

“I think…I think you should talk to someone about all of this.”

Bob leaned back to look at his lover. “What? Like a therapist? I’m not sure…”

“Please Bob, I almost lost Magnolia to drugs, I can’t lose you to this.”

“This isn’t the same thing-” he started to protest.

“Please, just…think about it?”

Bob paused for a moment.

“Alright, I’ll think about.” Barnard sighed in relief.

“Thank you. Now come on, I think we both could use some sleep.” 

The same problems and maybe even new ones would still be there for them in the morning, but so would one another, to help things not feel so heavy. 


End file.
